more of everything

i told my landlords no today
i wish i felt it all a bit less

but

i am an armadillo ball snapping shut
wildfire smoke in a too-full sky
purple swelling in the shape of my father’s hands

i’ve chosen to feel more of everything these days

so
feet on floorboards
i travel into that drippy cave
and find who i'm looking for

i speak gently

open palm on sternum
offer the deep red blanket

the one that still smells like jess
the record player is there
the one my mom got me just because
i play blue and i whisper:
i know sweetie

i wish i had a river

how staggering and horrid and holy
to feel so much of everything these days